One vibrant,cheerful day, Sofia ran outside in her spotty blue dress and chased her Labrador dog,Rebecca, Hours passed, but her good-natured smile stayed. Until SUDDENLY Rebecca ran as quick as a flash of frightening lightning, into the bushes and started to make a fearsome roar.
Sofia ran into the bushes and there was a peculiar box with a shimmering lid and a body that made the crown jewels look bad.But when she lifted the lid two red eyes appeared from the depths of the box.
"Sofia, Rebecca lunch time!!!!!!" shouted her mum.
Quickly, but silently, she put the lock tightly on so the brute couldn't get out.
Later that night, nightmares flooded her brain of what might be lurking out in the wilderness. She secretly sneaked out into the garden, and tiptoed to behind the bushes to face her fears of the creature but now she is never to be seen!!!
!!!!!!!!! Beware of behind the bushes!!!!!!!!!!!
What a lovely story! I really like the amount of description you include: it really sets the scene well. You use paragraphs well to build suspense too.
ReplyDeleteThe metaphor of 'nightmares flooded her brain' is great because 'flooded' makes me think of water covering anything, so things drown and there's no escape. That's a great way to describe a nightmare (I might borrow it for my own writing!)
There are a few accuracy issues at the start though. Remember to leave a space after the punctuation and try not to overuse commas.
A lovely read. Well done!
I'll remember not to use so much commas, but thank you for my awe inspiring comment
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